Different Worlds
by Sheryl Nantus
Summary: Ma Mulder contemplates her life...


All Characters copyright of TenThirteen Productions and Chris Carter. No infringement intended on any part... go ahead, take me to court...I'm using the insanity defence... heh, heh, heh... 

Comments, complaints and just plain talk to sheryl_martin@tvo.org 

Summary: Ma Mulder contemplates her life...Rating: G, Vignette...Spoilers: very mild ones for Demons - if you didn't see it, no prob... 

Different Worlds (1/1)by Sheryl Martin 

I used to dread the day when I got white hair. White or grey, it all seemed so far away because only old people got white or grey hair. Now, looking in the mirror, this is all I see. 

And the eyes. Of my son and my daughter. 

I don't know how I can make him understand; of how I can tell him that I can't tell him everything I know, of what it would do to him and to me to hear those words again. 

Because he wouldn't understand. 

When I was growing up we had just barely survived the War; the atomic bomb being the saviour of our fighting men. But looming on the horizon was the Red Menace, threatening our way of life. Threatening to sweep all the progress we had made away in another violent swift war of ideology. 

We believed the lie. 

When I married Bill my parents were so proud; my girlfriends so jealous - marrying a man who worked for the government. Moving in those circles that eventually would lead to the White House. Working to keep the country strong and free. And safe from those enemies that would destroy our world. 

God, we were so naive. 

But it was all I had, all I could expect to have. I look at Fox's partner and wonder if she understands how far apart she is from me in thought and deed. 

A woman. Single. Working in the government, and not just a secretary typing out reports. And she carries a gun, atop it all. 

And she has saved my son. 

In my day you'd never even think such a thing. You went to work, got married and then raised a family. None of this rampaging around the countryside to chase fugitives or to capture criminals. Maybe you kept a part time job after the kids went to school; but nothing like what she does. 

And Fox accepts her as an equal. Perhaps more - I've seen it in his eyes when he looks at her from the side, when she's not aware of it. 

So different from my world. 

We followed our men; believed it when they said that it was for the good of the country, that loose lips sink ships, that it was to fight the Communist menace among us. 

And when things happened that seemed wrong and I would shudder silently in the night; I was always thinking that it was somehow for the best, that it was for the country I loved. 

I was a fool. 

But now I don't remember what is the truth and what is the lie. Fox tells me that I had a stroke, and this much is true. 

But when I woke up and stared into another man's face; I didn't know what to make of it. The feeling that I had walked along the shore of the River of Death and had stepped back. 

And somehow I had him to thank for it. 

I wanted to spit in his face. 

They tell me that I've suffered memory loss. And that things may not be as I remember them; something to do with the stroke and the loss of blood and all that. 

But I can't keep using that excuse forever. Because Fox will find out someday how we followed our government blindly; followed orders because we were asked to. And I was too much a wife to say no to my husband. 

Or his friend. 

All that's left is for me to hope that he understands the way the world has changed since my day; how things aren't as clear as they were when he and Samantha were younger. 

I still can't accept the Berlin Wall has fallen. Or that Russia no longer exists. My world has changed so much and I don't know if he understands how it used to be. 

Not that it's an excuse. I knew from the start that one day I would be called to judgment for my actions; and probably not in this life. But it explains a lot, I think. 

One day I'll tell him what I think I know. Let him sort out the truths from the lies. And pray that he'll still love his mother. Because he's all I have left. 

A woman for a partner. 

Unthinkable. 

************ 


End file.
